There is no question that some children and
adolescents in divorced families refuse to visit one of their parents. It’s
also very possible that some of these reluctant kids have been influenced by
the attitudes or even the insistence of their preferred parent. What’s not so
likely is that all cases of resistance or refusal on the part of children,
unless they are connected with abusive treatment, are matters of “parental
alienation” deliberately brought about by the preferred parent’s campaign of
denigration against the other parent.
Very few human attitudes or behaviors are determined
by single factors in the way proposed by parental alienation (PA) proponents.
That’s why psychologists tend to be suspicious when they come across single-factor
theories or theories limited to a very small number of factors but used to
explain complex situations. Unfortunately, single-factor theories—so easy to
explain, and apparently, to understand—are all too easy to introduce into legal
decision-making, while more complex and realistic views may be excluded.
The PA view has been that there are only two
categories of children who resist or refuse contact with one parent. One group
has been physically abused by that parent, and the abuse has been documented, so
their reluctance is seen as rational. The other group, with no documented history
of physical abuse, have only “irrational”
explanations for their aversion to one parent, and therefore must have been
intentionally alienated by the parent they prefer. A range of bad consequences
for the children are predicted if they remain with the preferred parent, and a
complete change of custody is demanded.
Given that it’s possible that the PA claims are true
in some cases, can we list some other possible reasons for children’s avoidance
of a parent in the absence of a history of physical abuse? Of course we can,
and I am far from the first to mention this. Children and adolescents may
prefer to exercise their developing autonomy; to stay in the house they call
home rather than having to go back and forth; to be in easy reach of their
friends; to spend their time with friends’ companionship rather than having to
devote time to a parent; to avoid criticism or demands from a parent or
emotional abuse; to manage to ignore a parent’s disturbing sexual or romantic
relationship with one or more new partners; to avoid a step-parent,
step-siblings, or parents’ boyfriends or girlfriends; to arrange school,
sports, or social activities as they prefer; to escape from questioning about
the preferred parent.
Any or all of
these issues may have very different impacts on children at different ages, so
the child who at age 8 was indifferent to a parent’s romantic life may at age
14 find any evidence of such excruciatingly embarrassing. A child who at age 12
was delighted to spend a weekend camping may at age 16 want only to socialize
with peers. In addition, individual differences in temperament may make one
child easily distressed by unsought changes, while a brother or sister of
different temperament can accept changes with equanimity.
When we examine psychological and behavioral issues
that are not well-understood, one useful strategy can be to find some analogous
events that are easier to study. Given that there are so many factors that can
help to explain a child’s avoidance of a parent, it seems to be a good idea to
find some parallel situation that may give insights into this kind of
avoidance. Are there other things children avoid with intense emotion and
resistance? Yes, and one of them is not uncommon: school refusal. About 35% of
children sometimes refuse to go to
school without a “rational” explanation--
some do this infrequently, while others may manage to avoid school most
days for long periods of time. Children who refuse school not infrequently
fight against going to school each morning, plead stomachaches, even vomit,
scream and have tantrums. The great majority of their parents do not like this,
want the child to go to school, fear the consequences for their own work
responsibilities, and are disturbed about the social and educational outcomes
for the child. (Parents who actually
want the child to stay at home have the option of homeschooling, after all.)
The parents don’t know what to do to get the child to go to school, and it is
noticeable that they are rarely if ever accused of alienating the child from
school.
In a 2009 article in Child Development Perspectives (Pina, Zerr, Gonzales, & Ortiz; “Psychosocial
interventions for school refusal behavior in children and adolescents”, Vol. 3,
pp. 11-20), the authors discuss children’s motivations for refusing school. I
will list these, and in each case state in brackets a possible parallel with
refusal to visit a parent:
1. 1.To
avoid school-based stimulation like bullying that provokes negative emotion
such as anxiety and depression [A child avoiding a parent may also be
distressed about parental behavior that is anxiety- or depression-triggering,
such as criticism of the child or the other parent, demands for more time or
attention, poor parenting skills, insufficient attention paid to the child when
he or she is present, or issues that have to do with the parent’s home,
friends, or partners and their children]
2. 2. To
escape aversive social or evaluative situations like difficulty in making
friends or public exposure for lack of school achievement [A child avoiding a
parent may find it difficult or awkward to have social interaction with that
parent, especially a parent who lacks social or parenting skills, or may feel
exposed to criticism for failures to perform scholastically or athletically to
the parent’s expectations]
3. 3. To
get attention from significant others such as parents and concerned teachers [A
child avoiding a parent may find his or her behavior rewarded by the attention
of one or both parents who have been distracted, perhaps for several years, by
their own marital situation]
4. 4. To
pursue reinforcing events outside school, like playing or shopping [The child
avoiding a parent may enjoy his or her own devices, toys, and books and “own
room”, as well as familiar foods and routines, a parent who is easier to be
with, and the availability of siblings and friends]
In addition to this list
of motivations with their possible parallels in avoidance of a parent, Pina et
al noted characteristics of children who refuse school, such as poor social
skills, social isolation, high levels of family conflict, and a poor sense of
self-efficacy in stressful situations.
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