On a listserv that deals with psychology and the law, the following question was recently asked: “how can the impact on a preschool child be softened when he is taken to visit his father who is in prison after being convicted of murder?”. Some contributors asked why he should be taken at all, given that there would be little relationship in the future. Others pointed out that the father might be exonerated, or even if not exonerated might be released on parole before the child was an adult, and it would be to the benefit of both of them to have some sort of connection. (It happens that in this particular case they had not spent much time together, but that might be considered even more reason to foster the relationship.)
It’s sad that the question needs to be asked at all, but it may be useful to think about it in a general way. Similar questions might be asked about taking a young child to visit the mother in prison, or a parent or grandparent in a hospital, or about paying a visit to a parent or grandparent who lives in another country and for financial or political reasons can’t live near the child. There are even similar concerns when a parent has supervised visitation with a child. All of those are situations where emotional tightropes are being walked. We don’t want the child to be terrified and traumatized by the visit, but neither do we want the visited adult to be so distressed or disappointed or angry that they prefer to break off the relationship rather than suffer that way. Unfortunately, while young children want to be with people they care about, no matter what, adults sometimes feel that unless the contact is very enjoyable and can be counted on for the future, there is no point going on with it. Adults can prefer an abrupt, permanent break to making an effort to preserve a weak or problematic relationship. (Think divorce…)
So, what can we do to make something like a prison visit good enough so a two- or three-year-old is not upset and frightened, and also so the prisoner finds it gratifying enough to be motivated to try to be a parent or grandparent? Let’s assume for the sake of discussion that the child will be safe and nothing scary or bad will happen in the prison situation.
A first step is to give the child the social support he or she needs to help tolerate this strange experience. It’s clear that young children in unfamiliar surroundings benefit from having familiar people with them. Ideally, the child will be accompanied by an attachment figure-- that means someone to whom he can turn as a secure base when frightened, someone whose presence gives him the security and confidence to explore new places and people. That familiar adult should be with the child throughout the trip, and that means from the time he or she is picked up at home, in the car, going into the prison, in the visiting area, and going home. There should be no handing off to an unfamiliar CPS driver or a corrections official, however kind those people may be.
The presence of a familiar adult buffers or “immunizes” young children against the effects of their natural fear of the unknown. A jail is a sad and scary place to adults who know about crimes and their punishments, and a hospital can also feel like a place of terrible unknown dangers. Young children don’t know from prisons or hospitals, but are no more-- and no less— scared in those institutions than they would be in any other strange place. In all these cases, a familiar, protective adult does a vast amount to make the experience good enough for the child’s comfort.
A second step is to help the child know what is going to happen. There are a lot of things in a prison that are different from the outside world. There will be security procedures, lots of policeman or guards (let’s hope nobody has used threats of these people to discipline the child), people crying or looking sad or angry, and probably a visiting area in which no touching is allowed, but where a more-or-less familiar person is sitting behind a barrier.
You can’t tell a young child about these things-- or rather, you can tell, but it’s not going to sink in. How, then, to prepare? A good possibility is to use dolls or handpuppets to enact what’s going to occur. The child can have a puppet representing himself and talk or move it to practice how to respond to security procedures and so on.
Third, it would be very wise to prepare both the adult visitor and the prisoner for their roles in the meeting. The imprisoned father (in the listserv’s example)may have no idea how to talk to a child who is unfamiliar and whom he can’t touch or kiss. But he might be able to talk about how the child can handle a child puppet and a father puppet-- for instance, he might suggest that the father puppet pick up or hug the child, then ask what the child puppet wants to do.
One more caution about the meeting: this is not the time for the adult visitor and the prisoner to quarrel or cast blame on each other, or even pay much attention to each other. The goal should be to create the maximum pleasant interaction between father and child during the short time available for the meeting. Ideally, each will go away with the sense that they would like to do that again. That outcome will minimize any ill effect on the child, and will help the father feel it’s worthwhile to work toward a genuine relationship with the child.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Young Children and Prison Visits
Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)
being an adult who was a child forced on prison visits (both parents convicted of murder while i was 6 weeks old) was something i honestly wish never occurred. i never have and never will consider them my parents. i was put into foster care immediately and for 8 years remained with the same family that eventually adopted me and about to turn 30 i can still recall being forcibly dragged by case workers to go see my biological mother whom i never bonded with to begin with and i will say it most certainly did have a major effect not only on myself but those who raised me. blood is not thicker than water, if you'd like specifics please contact me at the url providedReplyDelete
Hi George I am interested in your opinion. I know you wrote this sometime ago but if you read this I could use some input as I face the possibility of the courts granting my 3 year old who has never met her father visitation while incarcerated. please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.orgDelete
I am not sure whether you think I am George, or you were referring to someone else! Could you just give some of the details here without revealing your identity? There may be others who could benefit from this discussion.Delete
Oh sorry, I see now who George is.Delete
Thanks very much for your comments. I would like to hear more about this, but no url came through with your message.ReplyDelete
Me too. I want to know how many children in the UK are being forced to make prison visits against their will.ReplyDelete
I know there's at least one UK reader out there-- can anyone answer this question?ReplyDelete
im stuck in this horrible position right now on having an ex husband on remand accused of murder, and also having his teenage son here with me and feeling totally confused as to why and wether or not he wants to visit his father .ReplyDelete
I know my answer is a definite no but my son is 14 and old and mature enough to decide that for himself .
I agree that he is old enough, but he might need a visit or two before he's experienced enough to do that. Then, if he decides he doesn't want to continue, he will need your support in thinking how to convey his reasons to his father without cutting off communication forever. What a difficult position for you, and for him!Delete
I am both a child & family therapist, and a foster mother to a 2.5 yr old. Paternity was confirmed and the biological father would like visits. He has been in prison since 1 month after he was born, and has not had any contact with him yet. He has been in placement for 10 months and refers to my husband as daddy. He came into care through law enforcement I am not sure of his experience at that time. I do know he is cautious and reserved and generally silent around strangers. professionally I would not support visits, and would promote the safety and security of the child, but since I am emotionally invested I would like input from others. I am always open to other perspectives. Thanks in advice.ReplyDelete
This is certainly a sticky situation. It seems to me to be exactly the wrong time to introduce this child to a new person-- he is old enough to respond with anxiety and not old enough to understand any explanation. But at the same time he will eventually want to know something about his bio father (and mother too).Delete
I am wondering whether the father would be willing to start the process very gradually by sending a photograph and more information about himself to you. Are there other family members he could name who might be more appropriate occasional contacts at this point? Can there be some plan for him (the father) to introduce his life to the child a tiny bit at a time before they ever meet? Will the father be out of prison at any time in the foreseeable future-- what time frame are we dealing with? (And of course if the father is not willing or able to understand and to start small, he is probably not someone who is going to be able to consider the child's needs.)
I think your intuitive reaction is right-- that this child should not be put into a visiting situation right now. Also, I wonder whether you are willing to "foster" the father, which I think might well be the outcome if he finds he can depend on you.Eventually the little boy has to know about his background, but I would say that right now tiny steps are plenty.
The child is very lucky to have someone like you to guard his safety and security-- thank you, on behalf of the community!
I am a mother of 2 girls ages 6 and 3. Soon to be 7 and 4. Their biological father was a good man and father until he made a very poor choice to hang with the wrong people and started using Meth. After two years of trying to get him to stop, I left him with my one daughter and pregnant with our second. He barely knows the younger child, but did spend some time with her before he did something terrible and went to prison. He is now facing 57-life. He is sober and wants to see his children as much as possible. I never ever force my girls to go, but when the older one cries for him and misses him, I will take her. The younger child knows who he is and I'm not sure if she follows suit with the older sister and wants him because she does, but the younger one does miss him sometimes too. I have people who shame me for taking them and people who tell me I am one selfless mother for still caring about their relationship. I am confused and worried that this whole situation could somehow mentally or emotionally harm my girls. He's not a bad father at all until he messed up and did drugs. Even during that dark time he was always sober when I did monitored visits and he gave them his undivided attention during the visits. I am just so confused. I don't want to hurt anyone especially my girls. Any advice or kind words would be appreciated.ReplyDelete
Dear Anonymous-- what a sad and terrible story you tell! There seems to be no limit on the ways that human beings can create misery-- and your friends and relations seem to be adding to this by judging your actions on a matter that only you can decide.ReplyDelete
In my opinion, what you are doing is neither shameful not selfless: you are trying to do what is best for the girls and what seems right to you, for yourself. In addition, there is nothing wrong with wanting to give some support to a man whose bad choices have led him to something I am sure he never would have done otherwise.
If the girls want to visit, and the visits go well, I think you are absolutely right to continue to take them. I am sure there are some frightening and sordid experiences connected with the visits, but it would be much worse to have them imagine that he never cared about them and has just gone away because he wanted to. Family secrets and misunderstandings have a much greater chance of causing emotional trouble than do honest, straightforward communications about complex family realities.
Eventually they will want to know about the terrible thing their father did, and that is going to be difficult to explain. At that point they may feel they do not want to know him for a while. Can you communicate with him about how to tell them (when they ask, later) and make some plans about how you will do this? You have some time, but I think it would be helpful to start soon considering what to do-- keeping in mind that some "helpful" person may tell them first, or that some child may tell them after overhearing parents talking.
You are modeling for them the fact that people can forgive and be forgiven by others, and this is a wonderful life lesson. Some choose to forgive and can go on with life, while others are locked into hatred and resentment forever.
Your story reminds me of a former student of mine, now a prison chaplain. It was a conversation with her that made me write this post to begin with. When she was 18, newly married and pregnant with her first child, her mother killed her father. The mother went to prison and the daughter and her husband took in and raised her young sons. When the mother was released, she was taken in to live with the daughter's family. Some would say that the mother should be punished further for having messed up everyone's lives, but forgiveness was the key for all these people to move along.
Please hang in there and be brave about what people say. You are doing the right thing, in my opinion! Just try to anticipate the future and prepare for it.