tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2743746633913926150.post2690128629067141520..comments2024-03-12T07:00:44.143-04:00Comments on CHILDMYTHS: Infant and Toddler Overnights: A Focus of Divorce DisagreementsJean Mercerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14619393019771381980noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2743746633913926150.post-33815968512447949292015-11-16T09:41:13.570-05:002015-11-16T09:41:13.570-05:00"These commentators are stressing the best in..."These commentators are stressing the best interests of the child, a vague standard indeed, but one which we can clearly distinguish from an emphasis on parents’ rights."<br />Yes, thank you for this line. In my view, mixing up "children's best interests" and "Parent's rights" or over-emphasis on parent's rights as opposed to children's best interests is a major flaw of family courts today.<br /><br />The concept of "parent's rights" seems quite widespread in US society today, and I fear this will also influence other countries...oranoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2743746633913926150.post-16479910505758782152015-06-11T08:28:50.195-04:002015-06-11T08:28:50.195-04:00It's so nice to hear from someone who is doing...It's so nice to hear from someone who is doing well co-parenting with a non-resident father. Your tolerance and consideration would be good models for everyone.<br /><br />Because your son knows his father very well and has been used to putting him down to sleep, I don't think overnight visits would be especially disturbing to him even now. The evidence about this suggests that when young children are disturbed by overnights, the real cause of the trouble is the fraught relationship and tension between the parents.<br /><br />I would go very easy on pressuring the father to co-sleep. If they have some overnights, the father may figure out by himself that co-sleeping can be helpful-- or it may turn out that the baby can adjust quite well to two different sleeping patterns. I understand how hard it is to give up the night with your child when you are used to co-sleeping, but I would suggest that you try overnights a few times, just one night at a time, and see how it goes. Even if it doesn't work very well, I can promise you that one or two or three distressing experiences do not emotional disturbance make! <br /><br />If you and the father can talk over candidly how things go on a visit, you may both gain some insights into your child. I am wondering whether he also gives his father a rough time at the beginning of time together. This may just be a response to the transition (out of his control) from one parent to the other, not a real indication of feelings about either of you. Toddlers picked up from day care very often respond to the picking-up parent angrily, and you may be seeing the same thing here.<br /><br />I would suggest thinking over how those transitions are carried out-- whether you all three spend a few minutes together before anyone leaves or is left, whether you are anxious yourself about either the departure or the return, whether the baby is tired or hungry at that time. He's old enough to be told what is happening each time, even if he doesn't understand every word, and that might help. There are other soothing things you can do like offering him something to drink or just sitting quietly on the floor near him. Anyway, it's my guess that the form of the transition may be as much responsible for his distress as the family situation is. <br /><br />When he hits you, try to make this a chance to teach some words about emotions that he can use-- it's okay to say "mad" but not to hit.<br /><br />If you think he will be missing you during an overnight visit, you might want to give him something of yours to sleep with, like a scarf, or send along any bedding of his own that he uses. <br /><br />Good luck, and let me know how it works out! <br />Jean Mercerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14619393019771381980noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2743746633913926150.post-35491342813845433362015-06-10T15:21:06.518-04:002015-06-10T15:21:06.518-04:00Here is my situation. My son just turned one. His ...Here is my situation. My son just turned one. His father and I have not been together since I got pregnant, but his father has been present in our son's life since the moment he was born. He is doing his best to be a good father, and I appreciate him. However we do differ on the overnight issue. He wanted overnights at 6 months, and we ended up going to court about it. He hasn't gotten overnights yet. However, our son spends time at his house at least 4 days a week from 4-6 hours at a time. He also comes over and helps put our son to bed twice a week, which has been going really well lately, though it did not go well at first. I do cosleep and breastfeed, and I think that if the father would be willing to cosleep with our son at night I would feel less anxious about beginning the transition. However, he does not feel comfortable with that setup, and I respect his personal choices. We have very different parenting styles, which I think can be a bit difficult for our son at this early stage. Often when he comes back from spending long periods of time with his dad he expresses what seems to be frustration with me. He will hit, bite, pinch, and scratch me, even though I tell him no - which he does understand most of the time. He will do this usually until he sleeps again at our house and resettles into his routine with me. I am not sure if he is doing this because he wants to be spending more time with his dad, or if he is upset with me for being absent for such long periods of time. He has a wonderful relationship with his dad, and often asks "Da da?" on the very few days he doesn't get to see his dad, especially if something reminds him of his dad. I just don't know if he is ready to start overnights. Night time is a really special time to spend with your child, and I don't like that his dad has been missing out on that experience. However I am fully committed to doing what is best for our son, and I am not convinced that it would be best for him to start overnights quite yet. He still wakes at night and nurses more than once a night most of the time. I think he takes great comfort in sleeping next to me - he does not like to sleep alone at night even though he sleeps alone at nap time pretty well. He has never been to daycare, never spent the night away from me, definitely not with a grandparent - his father would certainly have that experience first. It is my hope that he will be showing more signs of being ready to start overnights at 18 months (so in about 5-6 months). Is there much of a developmental gap between 12 and 18 months? Does it make sense to wait if he still wakes to nurse at night now, even though it is just for comfort? How much does cosleeping factor in? Should I try harder to convince his father to try co-sleeping with him? Should we just try an overnight to see how it goes? I guess I am wanting to hear some advice, or opinions from the folks out there, thanks.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2743746633913926150.post-17606444447910578972014-05-07T08:55:07.099-04:002014-05-07T08:55:07.099-04:00Of course it's a problem to try to develop a o...Of course it's a problem to try to develop a one-size-fits-all rule, when there are so many individual and family differences. I think the recent problem is that some people have been trying to do exactly that, while others are arguing against simple guidelines. But most judges were not trained to deal with these issues, and they would like some simple rules to follow.<br /><br />Unfortunately, as you imply, our laws about child custody and welfare date from property laws. Not until the end of the 19th century did the common law stop regarding children as their fathers' property; then the pendulum swung the other direction; now we are trying with much difficulty to find a fair balance. However, the actual needs of the little "properties" tend to be forgotten.Jean Mercerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14619393019771381980noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2743746633913926150.post-65364859549719557662014-05-07T07:02:22.320-04:002014-05-07T07:02:22.320-04:00'Professionals' and 'literature' d...'Professionals' and 'literature' do not have a clue about individual infant and toddler needs and tendencies. Every child is unique. If a child is born into a separated family, is it not more appropriate for that infant or toddler to sleep in their residence with their primary (only) carer and not in the home of a stranger (usually the father)? COMMON SENSE PLEASE! Children are not objects, children are not pieces of property that can be divided up. When in God's name did the world accept it is appropriate for a child to live like a hobo packing bags to and from parents' homes? SELFISH parents. What a SILLY society of adulterers and hypocrites that don't put their kids and marriage first!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2743746633913926150.post-33819242891200078192014-03-13T10:44:11.183-04:002014-03-13T10:44:11.183-04:00Thanks for sending these references. I have commen...Thanks for sending these references. I have commented more recently on this issue, at http://childmyths.blogspot.com/2014/03/overnights-divorce-and-new-article.html<br />and http://childmyths.blogspot.com/2014/03/more-on-overnights-infants-and-toddlers.html.<br /><br />I continue to be uncomfortable with any across-the-board recommendations and would like the focus to be on how to decide whether a parenting plan is working and how to fine-tune it when it isn't. I would caution against an excessive reliance on attachment measures as a way to do this, and would like to see long-term measures used in research on this subject.<br />Jean Mercerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14619393019771381980noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2743746633913926150.post-91350258668679593802014-03-13T03:28:14.142-04:002014-03-13T03:28:14.142-04:00Hi Jean
The Warshak (2014) consensus report ends...Hi Jean <br /><br />The Warshak (2014) consensus report ends with a number of recommendations. Of particular note:<br /><br />“We recognize that many factors such as cultural norms and political considerations affect the type of custody policy that society deems as desirable. To the extent that policy and custody decisions seek to express scientific knowledge about child development, the analyses in this article should receive significant weight by legislators and decision makers.” <br /><br />“1. Just as we encourage parents in intact families to share care of their children, we believe that the social science evidence on the development of healthy parent– child relationships, and the long-term benefits of healthy parent–child relationships, supports the view that shared parenting should be the norm for parenting plans for children of all ages, including very young children. “<br /><br />“3. In general the results of the studies reviewed in this document are favorable to parenting plans that more evenly balance young children’s time between two homes. …Thus, to maximize children’s chances of having a good and secure relationship with each parent, we encourage both parents to maximize the time they spend with their children.”<br /><br />“4. Research on children’s overnights with fathers favors allowing children under four to be cared for at night by each parent rather than spending every night in the same home.” <br /><br />“6. There is no evidence to support postponing the introduction of regular and frequent involvement, including overnights, of both parents with their babies and toddlers.”<br /><br />You may also be interested in these two other eye-opening reviews.<br /><br />Properly disciplined research has safeguards built in to protect it from the prejudices of the researchers. This is not the case with the research by Jennifer McIntosh and colleagues. (Lamb 2012; Nielsen 2014) Lawmakers and courts often take this research that forms the picture of society on which government policy is based, not to mention the general public, as being simply objective truth.<br /><br />References<br /><br />Nielsen, L. (2014) Woozles: Their Role in Custody Law Reform, Parenting Plans, and Family Court. Psychology, Public Policy, and Law. (10 February 2014 advance online publication). http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/law0000004 <br /><br />Lamb, M. E. (2012), A Wasted Opportunity to Engage with the Literature on the Implications of Attachment Research for Family Court Professionals. Family Court Review, 50: 481–485 <br /><br />In the context of the national family law conversation the Warshak (2014) study and the two additional cited references are a must read for lawmakers, social science professionals, family law lawyers and the family court judiciary. <br /><br />Yurihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10511879959539681082noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2743746633913926150.post-47446127112886382352014-02-15T13:08:06.268-05:002014-02-15T13:08:06.268-05:00Thanks for sending this along, Yuri. I have only m...Thanks for sending this along, Yuri. I have only managed to get hold of the abstract so far, but will keep an eye out for it. <br /><br />I don't think my argument has been that young children need to spend every night with one parent. I recommended sensitivity to the child's needs and to individual family circumstances, and gradual transitions for children who have recently gone through distressing separations. Sensitivity to the child's needs would mean, for example, that a "non-custodial" parent (whatever that means at this point) should not usually drop the child off with his or her own parents during shared time, and that new partners be introduced gradually. In addition, the child's responses to the situation need to be monitored carefully and used for decision-making-- while keeping in mind that young children are likely to be upset over any change in routine whatever, and that that type of upset should not be attributed to the contact with either parent.Jean Mercerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14619393019771381980noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2743746633913926150.post-3988040202589259962014-02-15T12:09:36.991-05:002014-02-15T12:09:36.991-05:00Commentators opposed to overnights for infants and...Commentators opposed to overnights for infants and toddlers have been relying on misleading interpretations of very flawed research to argue that young children need to spend most of their time, and every night, in the care of one parent. <br /> <br />In order to clarify where social science stands on these issues, a February 2014 study published in the highly ranked American Psychological Association peer-review journal, Psychology, Public Policy, and Law with the endorsement of 110 of the world's top authorities (from 15 countries) in attachment, early child development, and divorce concludes that overnights and shared residential parenting should be the norm for children of all ages including infants and toddlers.<br /><br />Reference<br /><br />Warshak, R.A (2014) Science and Parenting Plans for Young Children: A Consensus Report Psychology, Public Policy, and Law, Vol. 20, No. 1, pp. 46–67<br /><br />yurinoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2743746633913926150.post-54359982881841184212013-10-23T19:21:36.080-04:002013-10-23T19:21:36.080-04:00I'm sure you're quite right about this-- ...I'm sure you're quite right about this-- that context and history are immensely important in determining impact on a child of different experiences. But the original point was that overnight visits for young children, however much they may be desired by a non-custodial parent, can be distressing for the child (for reasons you point out) and are not essential for later relationships.<br /><br />It would be my hope that separated parents would consider the context for the child when making decisions about overnight visits, but all too often the concern seems to be about satisfying adult needs, including "scoring points" off the former partner. The arguments are not really about the best locations for sleeping, but about the hostility of the adults' relationship. We can't honestly expect a rational comparison of apples to apples or any other sort of fruit to settle those battles-- but if the battles come to court, judges may be guided by comments like yours. Jean Mercerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14619393019771381980noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2743746633913926150.post-12304704456454012282013-10-23T10:35:30.905-04:002013-10-23T10:35:30.905-04:00Can it also be highly relevant to differently asse...Can it also be highly relevant to differently assess an occasional overnight at a grandparent's home or daycare sleeping based on the context from which the child is coming to the experience? For example, when the child comes from a context of an intact family where there is a secure attachment to both adults and a consistently regulated emotional life, grandparent/daycare sleeping may have an entirely different effect on the child, than a child coming from another context. For example, a child who is expected to integrate grandparent/daycare/non-residential parent sleeping into a conflict-filled environment where disregulation is frequent may suffer and struggle in ways that have a more profound impact than the first case mentioned above. When arguments focus on the various locations in which a child sleeps, or raise the issue of staying with a grandparent, isn't it possible that we do a huge disservice to the children by comparing apples to oranges. Perhaps it is not only the overnight or sleeping location that is meaningful but the context into which the child is tasked with integrating the experience.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2743746633913926150.post-29702061109173241662013-08-12T08:19:45.390-04:002013-08-12T08:19:45.390-04:00Yes, I would seriously think that an overnight sta...Yes, I would seriously think that an overnight stay with grandparents would be an issue-- or an overnight stay with a babysitter, aunt, uncle, or family friends. The question is not whether or not fathers have rights, but how we can satisfy the adults' wishes while at the same time setting a schedule that will ease the situation for the child. As I pointed out, causing distress to the child may weaken a parent's confidence and change his or her attitude toward the child. Jean Mercerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14619393019771381980noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2743746633913926150.post-42019073548034506332013-08-12T04:20:43.090-04:002013-08-12T04:20:43.090-04:00What about Grand parents? No one would seriously t...What about Grand parents? No one would seriously think that an overnight stay with the Grand parents would be such an issue. This is just another example of how Family law fails Fathers with biased views. My wife abandoned our son 4 times. Each time I looked after him before the age of 2 for weeks. When she finally filed for divorce she got full custody and the very same nonsense about overnight visits played itself out in court. Family law bias towards mothers and this kind of nonsense is failing fathers. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2743746633913926150.post-58057221769568845762012-07-20T17:12:26.535-04:002012-07-20T17:12:26.535-04:00It would be great if that were true, but I'm a...It would be great if that were true, but I'm afraid these are just publications at different dates rather than new studies. There really has not been much systematic research on this topic.Jean Mercerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14619393019771381980noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2743746633913926150.post-50682887686462666172012-07-20T15:41:39.078-04:002012-07-20T15:41:39.078-04:00I think it's also important to note the date o...I think it's also important to note the date of the studies, 2001 vs 2011. Could it be we've learned more about the effects of overnights in infants and toddlers as the issue has become more common place?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2743746633913926150.post-34944651670804137812012-04-20T11:11:12.222-04:002012-04-20T11:11:12.222-04:00Your points are all good ones. Perhaps the most im...Your points are all good ones. Perhaps the most important is that there should be no blanket restrictions, or blanket prescriptions for that matter.Individual differences in children and in parents make it highly desirable to have straightforward discussions of concerns about overnights and ways in which a gradual approach can be designed.<br /><br />One of my concerns here is that a father who lacks confidence may be put off from a relationship with the child, if a poorly-planned overnight visit turns out to be distressing for all parties.<br /><br />As for Warshak's comment about the "familiar home" of the other parent--- it won't be familiar unless some daytime visits have made it so.Jean Mercerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14619393019771381980noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2743746633913926150.post-45588205318704969142012-04-20T11:02:31.035-04:002012-04-20T11:02:31.035-04:00Several well-known psychiatrists and psychologists...Several well-known psychiatrists and psychologists who contributed to the issue made a point of commenting on the overnight question. And all of them said about the same thing: overnights are fine for infants and toddlers (Warshak 2000; Kelly & Lamb 2000; Lamb and Kelly 2001) <br /><br />“…There is absolutely no evidence that children’s psychological adjustment or the relationships between children and their parents are harmed when children spend overnight periods with their other parents. An often mis-cited study by Solomon (1997) reported high levels of insecure infant-mother and infant-father attachment when parents lived apart, although toddlers who spent overnights with both their fathers and mothers were not significantly more likely to have insecure relationships than those children who did not have overnight visits with both parents. (Kelly & Lamb 2000)<br /><br />“When mental health professionals offer opinions that obviously violate logic, common experience, and common sense, we cannot rule out the possibility of intellectual dishonesty….<br /><br />Infants and toddlers often sleep away from their mothers and away from their cribs. They sleep in strollers, car seats, bassinets, and parents’ arms. They sleep in day care, in church, and in grandparents’ homes. Any married couple who takes a vacation in the first few years of their child’s life leaves the child in someone else’s care. Clinicians do not routinely advise parents against taking such vacations. If infants can tolerate sleeping away from both parents during nap time at day care centers, on what basis can we argue that sleeping away from one parent, in the familiar home of the other parent, would harm children?...<br /><br />….The opinion that children can tolerate sleeping during the day in their fathers’ presence, and in the presence of hired attendants in day care centers, but not at night with their fathers, cannot be said to express a scientific judgment. It reveals a bias often rooted in inaccurate assumptions about early child development. Experts who endorse blanket restrictions cannot provide adequate scientific justification for their opinions. Courts, attorneys, and parents should be aware of such limitations. (Warshak 2000)Yurihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10511879959539681082noreply@blogger.com